The Secret Life of a Job Hunter

By Bob Goldman

You've got a secret. You're looking for a new job. You desperately want out of your present position, but you don't want your bosses to know. They're paranoid, vindictive, and just plain nasty. They don't like your work, but they'll keep you on as long as they think you are loyal. This isn't a testament to their good characters. It just takes too long to break the spirit of a new employee.

So how do you actively hunt for a new job without your old job noticing? You follow the rules laid down by Caroline M.L. Potter, a writer with Yahoo! HotJobs. Potter does not mince words when she limns the perilous state in which stealth job-hunters find themselves: "Your current employer may be in dire straits, or you may simply be seeking new challenges," she writes, "but in a challenging economy, there are a lot of eager professionals for any position — including your present one. And because most employment is at-will, you may be fired for looking for a new job."

(You also may be fired for failing to fall to your knees when your supervisor walks past your cubicle, but that's another story.)

For advice on how to walk the tightrope between broadcasting and stifling your job search, Potter turns to online networking expert, Liz Ryan.

"Do not use Linkedin, Facebook or Twitter to indicate that you're job hunting," counsels Ryan. The same prohibition goes for mass e-mails. "Someone could reach out, inadvertently, to someone connected to your boss and blow your cover."

No doubt, this is good advice, but it is frustrating. Because you already spend 90 percent of your time at work on Linkedin, Facebook and Twitter, it would be very easy to slip in a subtle reference to your dissatisfaction. In a Tweet, for example, you could use your 140 characters to paint a word picture of your current employer, like "LMFAO, you can not believe what a stupid, ignorant, jerk my boss is," and still have 83 characters left to discuss the most recent episode of "Gossip Girl."

If you can't make a digital call for help, networking expert Ryan suggests using your network. "Make sure everyone understands what you do and what kind of opportunities you're pursuing."

Good plan. You don't want your network passing on leads on jobs that are not appropriate, like employment in a place where you'd actually have to work.

"Enroll your job search army," Ryan goes on. "Meet with them. Talk with them. Ask about their lives. Find out how you can help them. This will get them thinking about you in an up-to-date way."

This advice is not so good. If you have to expend energy actually caring about your friends and co-workers, you might as well keep the job you have. It's much easier. I'm also unenthusiastic about getting your network to think of you in an "up-to-date way." You've always been a dissatisfied, grumpy complainer. Why change now?

Consultant Ryan does have one worthwhile idea — if you need to grow your network beyond the delivery guy from Dominos and the daytime bartender at the Kit Kat Klub, do it while you're still employed. "Employed job seekers have a huge advantage over unemployed people," says Ryan, and she is so right. You know you're always out-of-time when it comes to seeing your out-of-work friends. They're depressing. Needy. And — who knows? — unemployment might be contagious!

But don't drop your friends completely. "If you let a connection lapse," cautions Ryan, "you may encounter apathy when you ask for help." Duh. You've been encountering apathy from your associates for years now. Their lack of interest in listening to your tales of woe is totally inexplicable. That's why it does make sense to use your last few moments of employment to strengthen ties and, most importantly, to borrow lots and lots of money. Let's see them try to collect when you file for Chapter 11!

Another way to leverage your evil networking empire is with your company's vendors. Insist on a job or, at least, a recommendation before you award a contract.

You might take a page from The Godfather, who rasps to one his suppliers, a mortician, "If, by chance, an honest man like yourself should make enemies ... then they would become my enemies. And then they would fear you.''

It worked for Don Vito Corleone, and hey, those Mafia guys never have trouble finding work.

Bob Goldman has been an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company in the San Francisco Bay Area. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@funnybusiness.com.